THINGS TO CONSIDER Before you start…

Reproduced courtesy of Club Adventure

 What is your motivation to start swinging?  Is it for you, or is it for your partner?

    Swinging is not a Band-Aid.  If you and your partner do not have a solid foundation, this lifestyle has the potential to destroy you.  Most couples do not want everything with the same intensity. However, if you are trying this lifestyle simply because your partner wants to, and you are repressing your reluctance, that is NOT honest.

 Have you thought about if you will want to swap partners, fondle others but not participate in intercourse, or simply just have sex with each other in the same room as others?  Define your boundaries!

    It’s very scary to think about having intercourse with other people.  The remote threat of HIV is very real. Many swingers elect not to have intercourse with others.  Many swingers who do decide to have intercourse with other couples rule out unprotected sex.  There are some couples in the lifestyles that view “ soft swinging “  (swinging without intercourse) as unacceptable.  Be aware that your boundaries are for you, and while you may demand that others respect that, you will need to communicate this to prospective partners before you hit the party room.

Have you thought about how you will feel when you see your partner being gratified sexually by someone other that yourself?

   If you have decided to have intercourse with other couples, have you talked about closed or open swinging?  Closed swinging is being with another partner in another room or area where you are separated from your partner.  Open swinging is being with another couple in the same area.  If you’ve decided it would be more comfortable for you to be together, have you thought about how you would feel seeing another person with your partner?  If you’ve decided not to be in the same place, have you thought about how to resolve safety issues?

Can you differentiate between making love and having sex?

   Making love is an act of love, physically and emotionally intertwined.  Having sex is a physical thing, it may be fun, but it does NOT involve LOVE.  Most swingers view sex as fun and recreational, but reserve the act of making love for their primary partner.

Can you be completely honest with each other?

    Situations may arise that spark jealous feelings.  Are you sure that you will be able to be honest with each other?  Can you be honest enough to admit your jealousy?  And can your partner be honest enough to admit stronger feelings than swinging really allows for?

Have you agreed that if you decided to use condoms you would BOTH use condoms?

    Most men don’t like to use condoms.  And some couples don’t either.  This is a discussion for you to have with the other couple before you get to sexual part!  Nothing is worse than leaving out this part, only to discover that the other couple refuses to use condoms!  Or worse – the woman uses them and looks over to see her partner is not!

Have you agreed on a “signal” to use in case of trouble?

   “Trouble” can be as small as being rescued from the dance floor, or as big as being rescued from a potentially harmful physical situation.  Do you have a small gesture you use to alert your partner that you need help?

Can you commit to being able to stop in the middle of whatever you are doing to “rescue” your partner from a sticky situation?

    This is primarily for the guys, but could apply to the women as well.  What would you be able to do to communicate that you’re uncomfortable to your partner?  How would he/she respond?  You should discuss the possibilities and know that you may be called upon to stop in your tracks to rescue your other half!

Have you decided what to do if one of you likes a couple and the other doesn’t?

   Some couples will slit off in this situation.  A word of caution:  This type of swinging is what causes new couples jealousy.  However, if your particular agreement with each other includes being able to party without being together, then this is a good solution.  If your boundaries don’t allow for separation, then you need to decide if you are going to forgo this encounter entirely, or if you want to sacrifice your dislike for the good of your partner.  Another word of caution: if one or the other of you does a lot of sacrificing or “mercy fucks” it is definitely a precursor for trouble.

What will you do if one of you wants to party and the other one don’t?

    See above…it all applies

What makes you jealous?

    Have you identified the particular things that flip your switch?  If you’re a solid couple, you pretty much know what makes your partner jealous.  The key here is to be very honest with each other, and discuss things right away.  Sitting on a situation that made you feel jealous will simply fester and you jeopardize your primary relationship.

OK! So you’ve ironed out all these things and had an encounter.  Now, consider these things: 

Can you be completely honest with each other?

 Did you discuss what happened?  Did you share how it made you feel?  Were you jealous that your partner was with another person?  Did you feel inadequate?  Emotions and sex are all tied up together, no matter how hard you try to separate them.  It is still important to be able to identify the difference between making love and recreational sex.

Can you deal with the fact that someone else has gratified your partner sexually?

    This is a tough one.  It’s very hard for new couples to reconcile their feelings of possessiveness.

Can you get used to the fact that another person could be the source of your partner’s physical satisfaction?

Are you sure you know the difference between making love and having sex?

    Once you’ve had an experience or two, you realize that having sex with another person enhances your encounters with each other.  If ever you stop sharing with each other about what happens during recreation sex with another couple, it’s time to stop for a while and regroup.  Swinging isn’t about gaining more husbands and wives; it’s about friends and sex.  It’s a point that you shouldn’t lose focus of, and if you do, your communication skills need to be reworked.

Can you discuss all that happened with each other?  Even all the details?  Can you share everything?

   Honesty and open communication are the keys to a successful swinging relationship.  Swinging is not cheating because your lines of communication are wide open.  You need to be able to talk to each other, to trust each other.  Swinging is intended to enhance your relationship, not confuse it with issues of hiding things from each other and cheating.  It’s because of this act of sharing with each other that you will be able to redefine your boundaries based on your experiences.  If you can come back from a swinging experience and look each other in the eye and say, “I love you so much!” then you’ve got the idea.

Have you both thought of any of this?  Shouldn’t you?

 The Golden Rule:  “NO means NO”.    Anyone may say “NO” at any time for any reason!  If you are in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable, just say no.  Do not jeopardize your happiness and satisfaction with this lifestyle, or that of your partner, by doing something against your will just because you are afraid to say no.  Be honest initially, and you will avoid any misunderstandings.  Don’t forget that people’s attitudes change and who knows?  Maybe sometime in the future you may meet again with a different opinion.

Always treat one another with respect.  After all, this is a party!  Besides, you don’t want to be rude or judgmental, because you wouldn’t want it to happen to you.

If you are rejected,  (and it happens to everyone, including women), do NOT take personal offense.  Rejection is a very personal thing, but please do not make a scene.  It is almost as hard to reject as it is to be rejected.  Honesty with each other is crucial.  Who knows? You could end up with a friend if you handle the situation right.

Deal with jealousy head on!  It is a normal reaction.  Discover what triggers jealousy in your relationship and work it out together.  It may mean modifying your activities, but your relationship together is not worth losing over swinging.

Always let your steady partner know s/he is number one.  Arrive together, take time to caress them, touch them, touch base often, it makes one feel secure.  Honor any and all prior understandings, and always leave together.  Above all, COMMUNICATE with each other.

Use your common sense when you are involved in a swinging situation.  Be kind, thoughtful, and sensitive.  Swingers are people too!

Respect the guidelines you set as a couple and communicate them to prospective partners.  Open, honest communication is imperative to forming relationships!  And please don’t forget to respect the guidelines of others.  Don’t try to “talk them into” changing the rules because you don’t happen to agree with them.

This lifestyle is a lot of fun, and can be used as a tool to meet friends.  But, do NOT use it as a Band-Aid for a shaky relationship.  If you are trying to correct problems in your relationship, this won’t work for you!

Pay attention to body language.  There is more interaction than words.  Consider the body language of the person you are talking with and it will tell you more than the conversation you are having!  Be sensitive to the person and you will know what makes them uncomfortable or happy and excited.

Demand absolute discretion!  And be worthy of the same.  Discretion is paramount in this lifestyle!

Privacy is imperative!  Never, ever discuss details inappropriately. Everything you do, everything you see, MUST remain private.

Emotions you’ll be dealing with…

Jealousy

   What will happen to you relationship when you start swinging?  When one partner enjoys themselves more than the other, parties more than the other, forms a non-sexual relationship with another, jealousy occurs.  You will need to try different ways of swinging.  Perhaps only doing things together as a couple will work for you.  Or maybe you get very jealous if you see your partner involved in a wonderful sexual experience without you.  As new swingers, you’ll need to be very open about trying new things.  Try them slowly, and one at a time.  If you are jealous that one is having more sex than the other, perhaps the best way to combat that is to meet couples together, and have your swinging experiences together.  That would even things out.  If the opposite is true, then it might be better to swing in separate rooms.  Issues will come up as you experience more situations and guidelines may need to be changed.  The most important thing as that you are solid as a couple.  Was the decision to swing made together?  Or was it simply made because one or the other of you wanted more sex?  This is NOT a good basis to swing.  Do you understand your relationship with your significant other?  It is very important to know who you are together, before you start adding others.  Do you know where your boundaries are?  Have you decided to keep intercourse as a special act for just the two of you?  Are you both in agreement about the use of condoms?  Communicating with each other about all of these questions will make your relationship stronger.

 Happiness

    As you develop your ground rules you talk.  Communications strengthens relationships.  “Generally, swingers believe that swinging has a positive effect on their marriage.  About 85% of both husbands and wives believe that swinging is not a threat to marriage or love between spouses, None of them reported that their marriage became worse since they began swinging, and the majority feel their marriages have improved.

 “The effects of swinging most often reported are the following:

1. Couples experience an increased feeling of warmth, closeness, and love, often most intense immediately after swinging, when the couple got together and exchanged their experiences.  This is as if the swinging experience was proof of their love.
2. Knowledge and confidence regarding sexual technique was more fully developed.
3. Social life was enriched and active.
4. Couples became more open and honest with one another in all areas of their relationship.
5. A benefit for some was that sexual behavior was taken out of the dark and became more of a taken-for-granted normal activity.”

By Edgar W. Butler, Ph.D.

Excerpted and edited from Dr. Butler’s book, Traditional Marriages and Emerging Alternatives.  

AIDS

   The only way not to get HIV is never to have sex with anyone else.  There is a big reason why new swingers elect not to have intercourse with other couples.  However, you’re probably considering swinging with other couples so you need to be aware of how one contracts HIV.  Exchange of body fluids of an infected person when you have an open wound of any kind (canker sores to genital lesions) could lead to infection.  In reality, the occurrence of HIV (and other STD’s) is lower in the swinging community than in the straight/gay society.  It would be wise to be tested regularly, and extremely wise to use condoms.  The use of condoms doesn’t eliminate the spread of HIV but helps curb the exchange of body fluids.  Most couples use condoms, scared to take that minute chance of contracting a deadly incurable virus.  However, there are some couples that just do not use condoms at all.  Since you now know this, if you ever meet a couple you decide to have intercourse with, discussing the use of condoms ahead of time is imperative.

Commonly used Terms

The list below represent what you may see in a profile on the internet or an Ad searching for a sexual partner, though terms may change this list should be able to help you understand Ads more easily.

 

AC/DC

Person who enjoys both same sex and opposite sex sexual activity; Bi; Bisexual.

ADULT

Euphemism for pornographic.

ALL CULTURES

Person or couple who enjoys all fetishes and sexual activities (see CULTURE)

ANAL

Anal intercourse; Greek; Greek Culture.

ANIMAL TRAINING

Sexual activity with animals, usually dogs and women; Bestiality

ARTS

Euphemism for fetishes; Cultures

B&D

Bondage and discipline (see BONDAGE, DISCIPLINE)

BBW

Big Beautiful Woman; Referring to women that may not be their ideal weight, but are still very attractive.

BESTIALITY

(see ANIMAL TRAINING)

BHM

Big Handsome Male See BBW except for the Woman it refers to the Male

BI

Bisexual: Versatile(see AC/DC)

BI-CURIOUS

A Male or Female who is interested in trying same-sex activities.

BIZARRE

Unusual sexual desires

BONDAGE

A sexual fetish in which restraints such as ropes, chains, cloth or leather straps are used to bind, tie or hold a participating sexual partner. The person doing the binding is considered "dominant" while the person being bound is considered "submissive."

CAN ENTERTAIN

Advertiser willing to invite others to their home for swinging.

CAN TRAVEL

Advertiser willing to travel to your home to swing.

CANING

A spanking fetish employing a light cane usually bamboo or other light wood.

CHEATING

Sexual activity with others without spouse's knowledge and/or consent.

CLEAN

Hygienic; Free of sexually transmitted diseases.

CLOSED DOOR

(see CLOSED SWINGING)

CLOSED SWINGING

Sexual interaction among couples using separate rooms so that partners of a marriage or other intimate relationship do not visually observe each other's swinging. The rooms are almost ways in the same house/hotel.

CLOSET SWINGER

A person who hides the fact that he/she is a swinger. (see DISCREET)

COUPLE

In swinging, a man and a woman. May be married, living together (cohabitating), committed (on going relationship) or a single couple dating for swinging purposes.

CPL

(see COUPLE)

CULTURE

Euphemism for Fetish, Arts.

ENGLISH CULTURE:

Sexual stimulation from spanking or caning

FRENCH CULTURE:

Oral-genital sexual activity

GREEK CULTURE:

Anal-penile intercourse

ROMAN CULTURE:

Sexual orgies

SWEDISH CULTURE:

Use of the hands especially in massage to sexually stimulate another

CUNNILINGUS

Stimulation of the vagina and clitoris by the mouth especially the tongue and lips, and sometimes the teeth (see FRENCH CULTURE)

DILDO

An artificial penis, usually made of rubber or plastic, for sexual stimulation of the vagina and sometimes the anus.

DIRECTOR

The term used to describe the principal person who runs or otherwise operates a swing club, generally the owner. A person who works for the director and is responsible for party or club operation whether or not for pay, is generally called a Manager.

DISCIPLINE

A sexual fetish in which one partner dominates the other, a willing participant. Often includes physical punishment of the submissive partner, ranges from physical restraint to mild spankings to painful beatings.

DISCREET OR DISCRETION

Asking those who write or call to exercise caution so that children or others who may open mail or answer phone will not be offended and/or made aware of the swinging activity.

DOCILE

Willing to receive bondage and/or discipline (see SUBMISSIVE).

DOMESTIC TRAINING

Submissive obedience to household chores of an intimate and humiliating nature.

DOMINANT

A sexual partner in control of a willing submissive partner.

ENTERTAIN

(see CAN ENTERTAIN)

EXHIBITIONIST

A person who is sexually stimulated by being seen or watched by others while showing sexual portions of the body or engaging in sexual acts.

F

Female

FELLATIO

Sexual stimulation of the penis by the mouth, especially by the tongue and lips and sometimes teeth.

FETISH

Sexual arousal and pleasure through use of non-sexual objects, actions or non-genital anatomy.

FLAGELLATION

Sexual stimulation derived from pain, usually whipping or spanking.

FUN AND GAMES

Euphemism for sexual activity.

GAY

A homosexual person, male or female. A gay female may also be called a Lesbian.

GBM

Gay Black Male

GENEROUS

Refers to money for sex.

GROUP ROOM

Room set aside for group sex, generally furnished with wall-to-wall mattresses or pads. Term is prevalent in western US (see MATROOM).

GROUP SEX

Swinging; Sexual activity between three or more people.

GWM

Gay White Male

HARD CORE

A swing party or swing engagement where sexual interaction is assumed and expected.

HARD SWINGING

(see HARD CORE)

HEAD

Oral-genital sexual activity; "Giving head"

HEDONIST

Someone who lives for pleasure.

HETEROSEXUAL

Sexual attraction to members of the opposite sex.

HOMOSEXUAL

Sexual attraction to members of the same sex. (See GAY)

HORNY

Sexually tense; In need of sexual pleasure.

HUNG

Refers to a man with a large penis.

HWP

Height-Weight Proportionate; Someone who is at their ideal body weight.

INDOOR SPORTS

Swinging activities in general.

INTERESTED IN FRIENDSHIP

Seeks a swinging relationship that includes emotional and recreational values.

IRL

In Real Life; Used in ads or online chat

ISO

In Search Of; Used in ads; MWC ISO Single Female

LEATHER

A fetish; Sexual stimulation through the wearing of leather garments.

LESBIAN

A woman sexually and emotionally attracted to other women. (see GAY)

LTR

Long Term Relationship

MARITAL AIDS

Dildos, vibrators, and other devices used for sexual pleasure of self and others.

MASOCHISM

Sexual gratification through receiving pain and humiliation from others.

MASTER/SLAVE

Participants in a bondage and discipline sexual relationship. (see B&D, BONDAGE, DISCIPLINE)

MATROOM

Room set aside for group sex. Principally an eastern US term (see GROUP ROOM).

MEET FOR PLEASURE

Will meet for swinging sex; no pretense for social or emotional interaction not directly related to sexual activity.

MENAGE A' TROIS

Three people, two of one sex, one of the opposite sex in a swinging interaction. May involve an on-going emotional relationship of the participants. {see THREESOME, TRIAD)

MORESOMES

More than three people in a swinging interaction.

MBC

Married Black Couple

MBiC

Married Bisexual Couple

MWC

Married White Couple

NASCA

The North American Swing Club Association. An association of swing clubs and magazines to promote swinging as the viable and beneficial lifestyle it has become. Levels of members: Affiliate Club, General, Associate and Institutional for swing clubs and magazines, general swinging community, media and institutions of learning and research.

NEWCOMERS

New people in swinging; First-timers.

NONSMOKER

Does not smoke. If used in personal ad means only those who do not smoke are sought for swinging purposes.

OPEN DOOR

(see OPEN SWINGING)

OPEN SWINGING

A couple swinging with another couple in the same room; Several or all participating couples together in the same room; (Western U S) swing party where participants socially mix and are free to swing as couples, in one-to-one pairings and group sex during the progress of the party.

ORAL-GENITAL

(see CUNNILINGUS, FELLATIO, HEAD)

ORGY

Sexual interaction among several men and women in the same room; group sex.

PARTY

Gathering of three or more people of both sexes for swinging.

PARTY CLOTHES

Clothing particularly adapted for swing party wear, Includes wear to the party and wear to change into during the party. The latter includes robes, lingerie, terry cloth wrap-arounds and other simple wear that is easily removed, shows the wearer to best advantage and often makes selected parts of the body easily available for erotic courting and play.

PARTY HOUSE (Western US)

A non-membership swing club offering a regular schedule of on-premise swing parties.

PASSIVE

Quiet, submissive non-contributor, willing to receive corrective training. Docile and submissive in swinging. (see DISCIPLINE)

PHOTO

Interested in exchange of nude or sexually explicit photos of self with similar photos of others.

PHOTOGRAPHY

Interested in exchange and/or making of nude or sexually explicit photographs, color slides or movies with similar photographs, slides or movies of others; interested in meeting with others for the making of these photographs.

P/P

Photo and phone number (used in personal ads).

PRO

Professional; i.e. prostitutes or paid escorts.

RECREATIONAL SWINGER

A person who practices swinging primary as a recreational diversion with no desire for emotional attachment.

RESTRAINT

Mild bondage used in sexual fantasy enactments.

ROMAN

Group sex, orgies, the party scene, etc (see CULTURE, ROMAN)

RUBBER

Condom means of contraception; sexual stimulation through the look, feel and smell of rubber, usually associated with B&D.

SAFE

Used to describe a person who cannot conceive or impregnate; a man who has had a vasectomy.

S.A.S.E.

Self-addressed stamped envelope.

SBF

Single Black Female

SBiF

Single Bisexual Female

SBM

Single Black Male

SGL

(see SINGLE)

S&M

Sadism and Masochism (see SADISM, MASOCHISM).

SINGLE

A swinger without a partner, single or married.

SOCIAL

A party, dance or other gathering usually sponsored by a swing club or magazine, for swingers to meet and socialize. There is no swinging at a social, but privately arranged swinging may follow a social.

SOCIAL SWING CLUB

A swing club, generally private membership that offers social and swinging activities including a regular schedule of on-premise swing parties. They may also offer educational and travel activities. Usually there is a membership fee and either party fees, party donations or a regular maintenance fee or dues. Party attendance may be restricted to couples though the marital status of the couple is rarely important.

SOFT SWINGING

The term used to describe same-room sex, watching/being watched, or any sexual encounter up to, but not including intercourse, with someone other than your spouse. The first experience for many couples some type of soft-swinging. (see HARD SWINGING, HARD CORE).

SRS

Same Room Sex (see SOFT SWINGING).

STD

Sexually Transmitted Disease. A term developed in the late 1970's to replace VD as the latter carried social and moral implications in the minds of many. These social and moral implications interfered with the legitimate treatment of sexually transmitted diseases as a medical problem.

STR or STR8

(see STRAIGHT)

STRAIGHT

Any person who is not interested in same sex sexual activity or A person who does not use drugs.

SWAPPING

Two couples exchanging partners for sexual activity.

SWF

Single White Female

SWING MAGAZINE

A periodical catering to the swinging community. Usually carries personal ads of people wishing to meet others for swinging purposes. May also publish articles of general interest to the swinging community.

SWINGING

Social-sexual relational recreation among men and women. It is a couple oriented activity but single men and women sometimes are involved.

SWINGING LIFESTYLE

Style of living with swinging a major component in recreation, choice of friends, business and social life, and intimate relationships.

SWINGING MARRIAGE

Marriage incorporating swinging and often, humanistic ideals.

SWM

Single White Male

SUBMISSIVE

(see PASSIVE)

THREESOME

Three people, two of one sex and one of the other in a swinging encounter. Not the same as a "menage a' trois" in that the latter may involve emotional involvement and a continuing relationship.

TICKET

A person, usually a woman, brought to a swing party solely to enable the male to gain entrance. The ticket generally has no intention to swing or is not free to swing.

TOYS

Sexual aids (see MARITAL AIDS)

TRAVEL

(see CAN TRAVEL)

TRIAD

Three people, two of one sex and one of the other in a continuing relationship of emotional and sexual involvement. Not the same as a threesome.

TRIOLISM

Used in personal ads to indicate desire for "threesomes". This is a common but confusing usage (see TRIAD)

TUBAL LIGATION

Surgical procedure of cutting and tying the fallopian tubes to make a woman infertile. Also called a Band Aid Operation in reference to the small incision made just below the navel to enable the cutting and ligation.

UTOPIAN SWINGER

A person who practices swinging as a total lifestyle with humanistic ideals.

VASECTOMY

Surgical procedure of cutting and tying the vas deferens to make a man infertile.

VERSATILE

Bisexual. (see AC/DC)

VIBRATOR

Electrically run vibrating device for stimulation of the vagina by insertion or holding to outer lips, clitoris, breasts and the male penis. Some vibrators are penile shaped and are run by batteries while more expensive ones are for surface use and are run by an AC motor from a typical wall outlet. Vibrators are used by both men and women for self-stimulation and to sexually please another.

VOLUPTUOUS

Fullness of beauty and form; usually used to refer to a woman with large well-formed breasts; may also refer to full but well formed hips.

VOYEUR

A person who enjoys watching others in sexual acts.

List Courtesy o                                      f NASCA

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